FLOW DAN – Original Dan (2009)

Review by: Alex Alex
Album assigned by: Michael Strait

Yo! Fuck you! Review! Brought to you by Alex Alex who is cooler than T-Rex knows much about sex posted the photos of his ex all over the Internet I’ve hacked her fucking personal cabinet with my supercool botnet all hand-written in dot net (fucking smart) now all her pics are in the Darknet studied by the CCRU fuck you (mothefuckers) now listen to the review.

How do we deconstruct rap? For things like the prog the method is easy – take a typical Peter Hammill-esque melody, put the lyrics that describe the habits of Russian grey bears as well as the climate of the areas where the bears usually live, take care that the lyrics contain just enough exact quotations from some academical thesis, sing the thing in the typical Peter Hammill manner and you are guaranteed to entertain the more sophisticated part of the audience while not abandoning the less sophisticated part who will definitely like the nice melody as it’s nothing they have ever heard before.

No such luck with rap. I have to be serious with the review then.

Song 1. That’s the opening song. The purpose of the opening song is such: recording companies show the artists their place. For an artist to record an opening song for his/her album is the same as for an ordinary man to be raped then paid for the trauma by the decision of the court. I DONT GIVE A FUCK! I’M JUST ME! YOU! NEVER SEEN ME IN THE DUMP! Typical opening song, the only goal is to convince the buyers that this is indeed the record they are buying and not some out-of-order shit. Like, when they sell you a car they open the doors, they flash the lights, they turn on the radio whatever there is in the car they show you by making it to produce NOISE. Which usually has very little to do with the car itself. That’s what opening songs do. Should be ignored for any album in any review. Ignored then.

Song 2. That’s cool they sampled loading and then firing the gun. Oh my, that’s cool! Oh my, I should apply to our this here arts college so they teach me the same. Oh my! You see, it’s the music and at the same time it’s BOOM-reload-BOOM-reload-BOOM. Oh my, oh my they are natural born musicians! That’s like Fleurs du fucking Mal! Seriously cool, no way this here dumb policeman ever guess what I’m listening to on my headphones otherwise he would’ve quickly arrested me!

Song 3. Reggae! This artist he very much reminds me of those Jamaican guys in the “Airplane!” movie. In any case, the effect he produces on me is exactly the same: Americans find that part of the movie hilarious and the countless generations of this here translators try in vain to produce anything even remotely sensible out of those Jamaican dialogs. Ah! And he says “Flowdan” for the first time (I think) on the album. As a rapper he has to voice his own name at least once per an album. The rappers they are like pokemons in that respect.

Song 4. That one has to do something with Barack Obama! The lyrics are absolutely unintelligible (for me) and I’m inclined to think they are deliberately done in that way. I’ve seen the same done on TV once! At Nelson Mandela funerals! There was that crazy sign language interpreter at Mandela’s funerals (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=StEFnh18zRk). Everybody back then said his translation did not make any sense. This song should make us, at least, start thinking otherwise. It’s happening all over the world, you see. In all areas. There is a hidden message in this song – same as the message in that interpreter’s translation. Same message. To the same addressee. Which is yet to appear.

Song 5. Oh! Mine is only JLPT N4 with a very low score, so no way I can understand this. Shall review again in twenty years or so. Anything Japanese is cool. Why? Because Japanese. Japan is cool. It used to be not that cool some time ago, with that Hiroshima thing, very uncool, but then suddenly everything illuminated and is now cool. That’s the same as with human life, one day my life will be cool, too. And the meaningless noise and the pitiful sobs I now emit they will all turn into the new Japanese language and you will have to study for years to understand the magnificence of it.

Song 6. This is a noticeable song. It begins with a very loud LOOK! Now I understand how my grandfather felt when I bought a new laptop for him to learn about the new things. Back in those days, I came and I said LOOK! And then, I remember, I was closing the notebook lid and my grandfather kept staring into the void.

Song 9. This song has violins or something like in the orchestra they have. Strings! We here also have that – we here have some rappers doing shows with the symphonic orchestra. That way capitalism tells you to finally forget about anything not related to the process of buying tickets and finding your seats. This song is also has ‘Remix’ in its title, never knew what that word means, must be some Jamaican slang word.

Yo! I’m running out of inspiration. This album has some nice Jamaican quotations! Sometimes it has some industrial tunes and the cool Japanese words as if the artist listens to Death in June! Yo! It’s full of a cool Jamaican reggae it ain’t no Bob Dylan with his motherfucking Maggie. Though to me all songs they sound like one. Big one! I wish I was black I would’ve been looking like SATAN!!!! SATAN!!!!

Oh, finally I can do that

SATAN!!!!! SATAN!!!!! SATAN!!!!! SATAN!!!!! SATAN!!!!! SATAN!!!!! SATAN!!!!! SATAN!!!!!

Author: tomymostalas


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