Review by: Tristan Peterson
Album assigned by: Jonathan Moss
Essays About Fucking
(slightly edited but mostly as the author intended – Ed.)
I’ve been sick, so reviewing this will be a struggle. I’ve been able to watch a lot of porn though. Lemme share with you two of my favorites. Do note that I’m not one of the assholes that might actually read titles of videos and use them to determine their quality. I’m not a connoisseur of porn, I just like jerking off. The sites I use are confidential. This is for kids, after all.
PORN NO. 1
I have no idea why it’s titled that [NOTE: This sentence looks silly now that the titles have been edited out but don’t tell Tristan. – Ed]. Presumably because those are their names, but I don’t know for certain. This is one of the few “amateur porn” videos where you can a) actually see what’s going on and b) it’s not just testicles flapping against the taint, an ever increasing problem in the pornographic video world. The girl seems to have dyed red hair, which, if you like dyed hair, but not unnatural dyes, this is good for you. Just like this Magazine album will be good for you if you like Rush, but not if you like post punk, as it isn’t post punk. She shaved as well, obviously indicating a sense of modernity in the shooting, which is also like Secondhand Daylight, in that the album still sounds shockingly modern. They do a bit of everything, and I’m guessing that this Jack (fucker) and Emily (fuckee/fuckess [take your pick]) are a couple of some sort. Hopefully they aren’t related. Incest is not wincest.
PORN NO. 2
Dakota is a personal favorite. She’s hot imo. Nice body, perky and doesn’t need much makeup caked on her to look good. What caught my interest, however, was how the intro states that the video has “3D Audio.” So, for once, instead of whacking it, I listened to porn for the sonics. The concept of “3D Audio” intrigued me. Is it just a fancy name for surround sound? Or has this video’s audio actually transcended into the mystical third dimension, and given a much more pleasurable listening experience than Secondhand Daylight by the band Magazine (which is a good album, a bit retro but good overall. It isn’t post punk though)?
Well the video isn’t the highest of quality, the title wasn’t kidding when they said POV. But it looks like some sort of SnorriCam type of bullshit, which only looks good in those weird artsy movies. I’m pretty sure this isn’t art porn. But only pretty sure. And somehow, Dakota has a fucking gopro strapped to her head or some shit, but only in certain shots, which fucks the realism up for me, at least to some degree. (Note: By “realism” I mean consistency in audio and shot techniques. The camera on Dakota has far worse audio quality than the camera on the unnamed, presumably 30-something male. To be fair, the audio on the male’s camera isn’t much better but Dakota’s is worse than should be allowed in porn. The editing is also really choppy and inconsistent, breaking the flow of the story. But I digress.)
So, as i watched the video, I could not necessarily call the audio “3D,” I could only call it “shit.” To be fair, it’s hardly even surround sound, unlike the version of Secondhand Daylight I heard, which was absolutely stunning sonically. Just gopro quality audio in porn. So the title has one lie: HD. This is maybe 360p at best. No HD shit here. The camerawork isn’t that good either, the problem is the location of the gopro on the male. It’s strapped on the top of his head, which must be awkward for both him and dakota. Plus, you can’t see hardly any mouth stuff! The one upside is that you can do a bit more pretending-as in, you can pretend to be fucking her instead of xyz male pornstar who is either infinitely more attractive than you or somehow has more money than Hugh Hefner, because there is no way that they would get any without that. Remember, it’s one thing to be filmed while fucking, but it’s an entirely new breed of interesting situation when the fucker is the cameraman, and the camera is strapped to your forehead.
Anyway you get about a minute of exposition in this 8-minute speed rounder before things start to get heated. The plot is: Unnamed man and Dakota are presumably in some sort of relationship, and they are playing around. This leads to that and they run into the bedroom. The Nasty™ (or, if you’re a cheeky fuck, The Nice™.) ensues. So there’s a bit of kissing, rushed undressing and bushwhacking (none of which you can see thanks to the shit gopro camera placement I discussed earlier), and Dakota still has the invisible gopro on her, so you can presumably see stuff from her angle. The only problem with that is, with the angle the guy is bushwhacking, you still can’t see what’s going on, only her body contorted upward. At about the minute twenty five, minute thirty mark, the camera on Anonymous Male’s head is adjusted so you can now see what is going on. The only problem is, you also get the tip of his nose, which just looks weird to be watching porn with a random, vagrant nose in the midst of everything. (Note: The nose, unlike Young Thug’s blunt, doesn’t look like a dick. It’s just a nose, nothing special, it takes you out of the experience this company wants to give.)
I gave up on the “3D Audio” about 30 seconds in. However, I didn’t expect the audio to so clearly pick up the bushwhacking, which, due to this Anonymous Male’s inexperience-or lack of care-sounds like he’s slurping ramen. Very loud and uncomfortable. Thankfully, Dakota is a good porn actress and is at least pretending to enjoy the fact that her vagina has now become a rather sensitive soup bowl, featuring roast beef as its main meat.
This slurpy durpy soup party goes on until 2:15, when we get the infamous quick fade to a blowjob (or, for the more pc crowd, a suckie duckie). It’s well established that Dakota is good at head, so she goes in on this. There’s a bit of something for everybody in the scene, but I don’t want to spoil too much so I’ll let the eager watchers do their thing.
At the 3:10 mark, we get another Q U I C K F A D E, only this time to the thing people have come for-THE NASTY™ /THE NICE™. It starts out with basic doggy, with some ass slappage. It’s nothing you haven’t seen/done, which, to some degree, also applies to Secondhand Daylight, as it sounds a lot like Rush, in their Signals and Grace Under Pressure era, with just a bit more of a punk attitude. However, doggy and Secondhand Daylight alike, they are done incredibly well.
Once you get to the 4:20 (blaze it) mark, the shot cuts to Dakota being held up by Anonymous Male whilst being thrust into by the same said anonymous male. An awkward position, and the camera is moved again, so really the entire minute or so of the scene is kind of uncomfortable as well.Now, as I don’t want to spoil the entirety of this video, I won’t get into too much further detail, but the action is better. Again, it’s like Secondhand Daylight, although there is nothing new or radically different, it does its job well, and even with its drawbacks, it’s quite a watch/listen.
Both are great fam, hit me up for links !