Review by: Michael Strait
Album assigned by: Kyle Wilson
(A Review in the Form of Stream-of-Consciousness Notes)
Track 1: Six ponies. One choir. ALL AROUND THE WORLD OF EQUESTRIA – they don’t even HAVE Christmas in Equestria you FOOLS
Knowing that these songs don’t even have context only makes them worse tbh
IT’S SO GENERIC I CAN’T EVEN THINK OF ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT. Just such a generic musical number. Lush instrumentation, I guess – many strings, gently-plucked acoustic guitar, childish vocals… ay, who’s surprised. I wonder how many parents were subjected to this?
Track 2: OH GOD A ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR INTRO FOLLOWED BY PUNK GUITAR RIFFS. IN A RENDITION OF JINGLE BELLS. When I say “punk”, understand I mean – compared to this, Green Day is fucking Nails or Amebix. I know nothing about these characters but apparently they’re overexaggerated to make sure the children can recognise them without the visual cues. I wonder how many people have masturbated to this? OH SANTA EXISTS IN THIS WORLD, HOW SEXCELLENT
Track 3: Rarity! She’s the only one I know anything about. She’s the best pony according to my ignorant opinion. Oh hey this one is a folk song. A drum machine comes in though. How innovative! Rarity is something of a dangerous innovator in the ponyfolk scene, perhaps – inserting mechanisation into one of the most traditionally spontaneous forms of music. At least I think it’s a drum machine – could just be one dude barely playing a kick drum but oh well. A veritable David Tibet, this lady
Track 4: Genericsville again. Arranged like any bargain budget wannabe-Disney musical number. At least it’s teaching children the word “boutiques”, that’s a good service. Considering how much the opening medley sounded like this, I take it that Twilight Sparkle is the Thom Yorke of the lot, i.e every project she is involved in becomes essentially a solo project of her own with none of the other members having any significant creative input. I hope you all get burned alive
Track 5: As traditional a lullaby as there is. Not the worst vocalist of the lot. Has a decent vibrato. Fluttershy, this is. Absolutely no impression Fluttershy makes on me hmm. Oh, I wish that I could fall asleep and wake up happy, wake up happy… Double bass! JAZZ
Track 6: IS THAT A UKELELE. Of course it is. This bitch is clearly the mischievous little cunt of the lot. YUM!!! I’m about to go full Anakin in this motherfucker. Not even the Younglings will survive. YOU ARE RUINING MY APPRECIATION OF THE GLORY THAT IS RAVIOLI WITH YOUR ENDORSEMENT OF IT YOU PINK FUCKSHIT. THIS IS LITERALLY THE LONGEST SONG. A WHOLE 3.20 MINUTES. PROG ALERT. PINKIE PIE – BOLDLY BREAKING BARRIERS. Actually this song is insufferable at the best of times and I don’t care if that’s heresy. God, can’t I just be listening to Carly Rae Jepsen instead of this?
Track 7: A male appears! Are they considered inferior in this world? They don’t seem to come up a lot. I should mention that this appears to be an original tune – good on ‘em I guess. I don’t even know what genre I’d call this unique masterpiece. It’s got pianos, horns, and a guitar – it’s… is it ska? I don’t know much about ska. I love Madness, though. The Specials are reputed to be good as well but I keep not getting round to them.
Track 8: Another male! An even younger one. This is a jazz song. Oh good god, it actually IS a vocal jazz piece. Some child out there is listening to this RIGHT NOW and enjoying it – and hey, to each his own! Personally I’m gonna make sure my child listens to nothing but Kanye West and Merzbow HE’S SCATTING FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUKC
Track 9: Auld Lang Syne. Scotland is underrated. Shortbread is gorgeous, bagpipes are beautiful, and this song has always been wonderful. Apple Jack sounds countrybred – is this the woman who was the protagonist of that poem featured as the final song on The Roots’ album “Things Fall Apart”, whose husband beat her up and called her “white trash” when he wasn’t busy drinking? Why is COUNTRY TRASH singing this SCOTTISH CLASSIC, that would be like getting some FILTHY WELSHIE to read a recital of THAT ONE AMERICAN FOLK STORY ABOUT A TIMESKIP AND NINEPINS
Track 10: More generic musical number stuff. It’s a choir. THE FINAL FRIENDSHIP IS REBORN. THIS. IS. THE. FINAL. BATTLEEEEEEEE
Do ponies know what Harsh Noise Wall is?
Loyalty binds us together. This is filthy right-wing monarchist talk. People are not nice. People are not loyal. Ponies maybe, but hey, we humans enslaved the pony race and use them now as transport and glue so look who wins
Final rating: In the Grim Darkness of the 41st Millennium, There is Only War/10